The Last Call From Inside


I talked to stacey one last time last night. She said she was excited about coming home. She got to do her laundry on her own. She felt like that was a little bit of freedom for her. She commented on being able to walk out the door of unit that shes in in order to get to the laundry that was in the adjacent wing. She said it felt weird stepping outside her section. Ya, it must be strange to get out of the bubble. I started to think of the wing as a huge womb. Climate controlled. Food delivered daily. Nurturing when neccessary and no escape except when its time to leave permanently. I think the act of stepping 'outside' kind of brought home the reality that for the last 5 days she's been in a container. A very small container. We as human beings cherish and crave our freedom and the thought of being enclosed is not a pleasant one. Hence the reason why prison is a deterant to crime. She said on a few occassions that it felt like jail. I reminded her that in jail we wouldnt get to talk on the phone as we do and there would be handcuffs and no one would care to listen to your thoughts. But in a way I guess it is a sort of incarceration. Except that its purpose is to protect you from yourself no to protect society from you. We were told to be there by 10am to get her or else they would send her into a hearing to determine whether or not to conserve her ( make her a ward of the state ). Thats pretty hard core but I can understand why. Once you prove that you cant be trusted with your own life, society feels that you might not be able to re-enter it alone and left to your own devices. I had a long talk with everyone here and especially gabby who has had a problem with expressing herself with people. Shes not very good at it. I told her she needs to work on her soft skills and maybe try to be a bit more warm and a little less intimidating. Thats going to be easier said than done. She has always been a bit aloof and that has always been mistaken as a sign of dislike. That perception needs to change or else more walls will be built and it will be so much harder for everyone including stacey. I have come to terms for the most part with the actuality that no one no matter how nice and loving and helpful may ever reach stacey. I compare her to someone who has fallen off a mountain and just keeps falling. We may not be able to cath her. But its better to have tried again, even if it means failure, than to just threw our hands up in the air and say 'fuck it'. Stacey is really into speaking about spirituality. I think we will try to find some sort of non-denominational religious setting to get involved in so that she can start to try to nurture that part of herself. Maybe once that door is open she will be more keen on letting her guard down when it comes to other things. Besides, she has never known the comfort of spiritual enlightment. This may give her something for later if and she is ever faced with another urge to harm herself. I don't know how often I will be able to write after tonight. I don't want her to know that I'm keeping this blog just yet so my post may be widely spaced. I will try to find time to update as much as I'm able. Anyone who reads this and wants to comment feel free to do so. Any insights will be helpful. Wish Me Luck!

I finished my last blog entry and called stacey back. She still seems a bit torqued up but I decided to make my move but with sublety. She said that the only thing that really bothered her was how she percieved other peoples treatment around here. She has always had this 'thing' about not being treated equally but I knew that its more to do with how she was treated growing up rather than how she believes she is being treated now. In her home her brothers (her step mothers children) were favoured more than she was for obvious reasons. So whenever she is in any situation she is insistent on being 'equal'. I don't think she understands that it's tranferance. She is attaching her feelings about her step mother onto other people. This has caused huge problems because when she is trying to relate to someone most often times she does it through the "you just like my step mom" or "your just like so and so". I know it's a defense mechanism but its still pretty hurtful. I hope in time someone will help her understand that her perception of the world can't be limited to who fits the roles that shes entrenced herself into being comfortable with. She said she has been writing alot in the composition books that we brought her and that she may not want to show them to me because I will not like what she said. That I think is a kind of veiled way of saying "I'm really pissed off at you". I told her that I had been writing too and that I would not be showing her this blog for the same reason that she won't show me the composition books. I hope maybe in time she will be well enough to see this and understand that not everything was mine or anyone elses fault. But I'm a realist. For a lot of people the journey may begin but may never lead anywhere.

The Divas


I talked to Stacey last night for about 3 hours and I can tell that the Lamactal that they put her on was taking affect. She seemed more aware of where she 'really' was talked more about how she felt about people and how she had affected them. I was happy to hear this because I was relieved to see some flicker of remorse but it made me profoundly sad that for her and for alot of people the only way they can behave in a constructive way is with medication. I guess I feel that it's unfair that for the rest of us we have to listen to our hearts and our conscience to guide our behaviour and atitudes but for stacey and for people like her, the only way they seem to be able to comprehend right from wrong, good from bad is with the influence of meds. I'm glad medication exist because I can only imagine how much worse the world would be without it. She wasn't aware last night that the decision had already been made to let her come back here so I was pretty sure that maybe she was saying some of what I wanted to hear in a bid to be let back in. I guess at that point I expected it and maybe I just resigned myself to the fact that a desparate person without much of a conscience will do or say anything to get on the good side of others. Sigh! Either way as a decent person I couldn't just let her go her own way to nothing or no one. Though the temptation was really strong. I feel like a parent who knows their child does not give a damn but I still know that I have to be there to help no matter what. We talked about her feelings about her past and what she thinks led her to that point of attempting suicide. She seemed to be gaining some insight into her motivations but as I said earlier she may have just been 'playing' me to get what she wanted. I became more convinced of that this afternoon when I finally had to call her because she had not called me...

I asked her how she was doing and she said that the doctor told her that we had decided to let her come back. She sounded a bit annoyed with the concept that we would actually have a say in where she went. She was relieved though because if we had said NO she couldn't come back here, they would have kept her there at the hospital until they could find a spot in a group home or other out patient housing. I could tell that the idea of maybe being sent to another place with unfamiliar people and another system of rules was not appealing to her. She was nice but I could tell by her tonality that she was once again smug in the idea that she had 'won' again. This is the main thing that bothers me the most. Her inability to understand that she is not entitled to have everything go her way. I feel resentful that I had to agree to let her back in out of common decencey. I feel like I may be back on the same rollercoater ride again. I have faith that the meds will help but I know that no medication no matter how good can change the content of a persons character. Sigh! I asked her about her plans for employment and she said that she was looking into the free nursing program given by the county. She also said that she would consider going back to work in a call center but that it wasn't her most favorite option. I know that she shouldn't go back to child care because that just allows her to retreat into herself and feeding that obsession with kids is not good for anyone. Besides she pretty much lost all of her clients anyway so I get the feeling that door is closed for good..hopefully. I'm supposed to talk to her again in another half hour or so. I think it's time to broach to subject of what kind of behaviour is expected apon her return tomorrow. I know that she's riding the 'high' of victory and will probably because hostile and combative as soon as I bring it up but I'd rather have her hang up on me and sulk in her own space than have a blow up fact to face which would make the both of us feel trapped and really uncomfortable. Still it makes me uneasy. I hate fighting even if it's justified and I hate being the heavy but what can I do. She can't just walk back in here and have it be business as usual. If that be the case then it will only be a matter of before she attempts to 'kill' herself again and honestly does she really want to be going back in forth between hospitals and the real world? Besides if you try to hurt yourself enough times, they don't let you back out again!

July 16th 2006 Suicide Attempt


Stacey and Pal fought about the abortion she had in college again. She at first said that she wanted to leave and then decided not to. She instead went into the bathroom and took all the ecetaminophine/codein that we had in the place. About 40 pills which she claims was really 80 but it wasn't. At first I didn't believe her because for the longest time she was perfectly congniciant. I figured she was just playing a game with me to see if I would or how I would react. She asked that I help her write a suicide note and I said "just say what you want people to know". she started to write down some stuff about a page worth. Ending that she wanted to be cremated. I asked repeatedly how many pills did she take and she kept exaggerating the number. I want into the bathroom and the bottles were empty on the counter. I calculated how much should have been in there and my math put the amount between 40 and 45 but it could have been less. I told her that if things got out of hand that I would call 911 she said that she wanted to die. I told her that if that was the case she wouldn't have chosen to do it so publically and that she was only trying to get my attention and that in her heart she knew that nobody in there right mind would let her die. I told her that she probably didn't take enough pills to kill her. More than likely she would throw them up eventually and just go to sleep. I wasn't sure of that but I didn't want to give her the drama she was craving. I figured that if I kept it cold and real she would maybe ask me to call 911 for her. About an hour and a half passed but she was still talkative but now her speech and motions were becoming heavy. I took her pulse and ever so often and when I saw that it was slowing down I decided to get dressed and get ready to call. I noticed that she wasn't talking as much and that she wanted to sleep. I went into the bathroom again with the cell phone and called 911. It took about 5 minutes for the police to arrive and another 5 for the medics to arrive. She was still awake and able to answer questions but she was slowing down considerabley at that point. She was able to get up and walk with help to the gourny in the hallway. As soon as everyone left I called Gabby and she came home. She was wiping something off her scrub pants and said that somebody vomited in the elavator. I knew that Stacey would be ok at that point....

We got to the hospital a few hours later. We knew she was on suicide watch and no visitors. A nurse did come and speak to us and said that she was doing better. She kept vomiting for awhile but her levels were good and they would transfer her to Acute Psych in the morning. At first we thought there would be a 24 hour hold but we later found out it was 72 due to the fact that she expressed regret at not having succeeded. I talked to her by phone the next day.
July 17th

Stacey called me. She seemed a little down. She said she was lonely in there and that she was dissapointed that they wanted to keep her longer. She said she had been eating and sleeping. She kept saying that she had decided that she didn't want to try to kill herself again. She seemed a little scared and shaken. She asked if I had called her boss. I had. We didn't speak much more. She said she could have visitors though and she gave me the times. I told her I would see her tommorow.

July 18th

Stacey called me several times today requesting underwear pants shirts and during her last call she requested books paper and pens. A nurse told her that she could not have spiral notebooks. I told stacey to ask her if she could have a ballpoint ink pen. She asked and the nurse said No! only felt tip pens. I told Stacey that I would try to find some paper and pens but I wasn't sure we had any here at home. She got mad and snipped to "just forget it!". She didn't like being told that she couldn't have something she wanted and that we didn't have what she could have on hand. She also said that she got some other patient in trouble for threatening to hit her. I saw what was happening at that point. She was trying to fight for dominance in the situation and seeing how far she could push the staff. The smattering of fear I had heard in her the night before had been replaced by the arrogance that I was familiar with. "my way or the highway".

We finally got there around 4ish. It was a very small ward. You could call it cozy sort of like a rest home. All the patients in there were pretty out of it. the wandered around and talked to themselves. This one guy tried to pick up on Gabby. She put him off in a calm way. She works in a psych ward for another hospital and is used to redirecting patients when they get off the track they are supposed to be on. She liked the unit and was thinking she might like to work there. Less stress. She works with hard core psychotics at her place. She liked the fact that the nurses at staceys ward didn't have to watch their backs. It was a calming place. Kind of like a stark hotel but peaceful. Even when they had to disciple an unruley patient it was peaceful. Stacey waved to us when we walked into the day room. Kind of reminded me of a kid waving at mom when she walks into the day care to get them. Not a good sign. This meant Stacey was happy there. And I knew when we finally sat down to talk that it wasn't going to amount to much and it didn't. We first talked about genral stuff. After about 40 minutes of that I decided to stick my foot in the water and see if she had any feeling about what she had done and how it had affected everyone. She said she didn't want to be attacked. And that the dr said.... I knew after this point it would be her running from me to shelter of a dr that wasn't there at the moment. She was not in the mood to discuss the possibility that she had done anything even remotely wrong or hurtful to anyone and that she probably would never reach that point. I finally told her that I wasn't going to come there and see her if all she wanted was for someone to kiss her ass. And that dispite what she believed she did do something very wrong and did hurt people and that my opinion that that would not change. Dinner was served and she looked like a kid on christmas morning as the aid placed the tray in front of her. She gave me a smug look and started to shake up her milk carton. I left. I had found out earlier that one of her drs. would be calling to speak to me. I went home and thought about what I would say to him. Jeez what do you say to a psychiatrist who has the duty to protect and believe his patient and who is trained to see the family of that patient as the instigator of the patients actions. I didn't think that anything I could say would change that dynamic but I was hopeful that if nothing more maybe my words could provide insight for him.

I spoke to pal later on that night. He was on his way to work and was trying to keep it together. He was dissapointed about everything. about how Stacey had behaved and he was mad at himself for not doing more or doing something different. He was doing what he always did. Blaming himself totally. I believe in the 50/50 rule but he doesn't. His feeling is "nobody ever takes blame for what they do so i'll take it for them because someone has to take it". Thats not true but I can't convince him otherwise. Sigh! He went between crying and talking and after awhile I knew it was best to let him go because he was starting to not make much sense. I was assure by someone with him that they would keep an eye on him. I slept a bit and dreamt weird dreams about rain and people running and stuff like that. Stacey called me before mid night but the phone was cut off. I don't know if the staff told her to hang up or if they hung it up for her. If that was the case I'm sure it pissed her off. Boundaries and rules suck when you have never had to live by them before. I'm sure they will let her call during the day. I went back to sleep.

July 19th

I spent this morning crying about stacey crying about my failure at wanting to help people and never doing much of a good job of it. I let the tears flow and felt no relief. I never did. Crying was never soothing to me. Its a release of energy but I don't ever feel relief. It just leaves me feeling disoriented and lonely. And wouldn't you know that's when the dr. called. Dammit! He could tell that I had been crying but I straightened up. I asked him what he wanted to know and in how much detail. I became cold, methodical, clinical. Just like on the 911 call. No hysteronics. That wasn't me. To strangers I was calm. I told him about her behavour during our visit. I fleshed out alittle of her past. He asked me if I thought that this was her first suicide attempt. I said she had never done it while she knew me but that I got the sense that she had done it before in her life. I also said that she seemed happy in the ward. He agreed with a slight hint of uneasiness. Its hard to treat someone who likes being where they are because you can't use the promise of release as a tool to get them to adhere to a treatment plan. If they like it you have to work to make them not like it and that's harder. I told him that it caught me as strange because I assumed most poeple who were with it would not want to be in there. They would question when they could leave. Stacey played basket ball out on the patio. She was at home and staking her bit of turf by turning people in who bothered her. Sigh! I spelled out as quickly as I could how she munipulates people and how she has no respect for anyones emotions and no remorse. He asked me if I was planning on allowing her to come back home. I said I was still trying to decide that but that I probably wouldn't allow it if she didn't start showing some remorse for what she did and taking some accountability for her actions. I told him about her obsession with small children and how it might not be a good idea for her to go back to her work as a private duty per diem nanny. I don't know what he thought of any of it and I don't care. I just hope some of it can be of help. I told him I cared but for my own self preservation I needed to be detached. He agreed. I must have sounded strange to him. Not like the other families he spoke with. My thought is most people are willing to rake THEMSELVES over the coals when something like this happens. As if that will fix everything. Im a realist. Beating up on yourself when you weren't the one who took the pills is senseless. I feel bad for her and her struggles but I don't feel that I should take blame. She hates Pal and his feelings and his spiritual beliefs she should have just left. Suicide attempts are a game people play when they want attention or to hurt someone else. They are not symptomatic of anything other than a need to munipulate others for the purpose of causing them pain. End of point. If she calls today I'll write more. If not I'll write tommorow unless I'm up all night still trying to sort all this out.