July 16th 2006 Suicide Attempt


Stacey and Pal fought about the abortion she had in college again. She at first said that she wanted to leave and then decided not to. She instead went into the bathroom and took all the ecetaminophine/codein that we had in the place. About 40 pills which she claims was really 80 but it wasn't. At first I didn't believe her because for the longest time she was perfectly congniciant. I figured she was just playing a game with me to see if I would or how I would react. She asked that I help her write a suicide note and I said "just say what you want people to know". she started to write down some stuff about a page worth. Ending that she wanted to be cremated. I asked repeatedly how many pills did she take and she kept exaggerating the number. I want into the bathroom and the bottles were empty on the counter. I calculated how much should have been in there and my math put the amount between 40 and 45 but it could have been less. I told her that if things got out of hand that I would call 911 she said that she wanted to die. I told her that if that was the case she wouldn't have chosen to do it so publically and that she was only trying to get my attention and that in her heart she knew that nobody in there right mind would let her die. I told her that she probably didn't take enough pills to kill her. More than likely she would throw them up eventually and just go to sleep. I wasn't sure of that but I didn't want to give her the drama she was craving. I figured that if I kept it cold and real she would maybe ask me to call 911 for her. About an hour and a half passed but she was still talkative but now her speech and motions were becoming heavy. I took her pulse and ever so often and when I saw that it was slowing down I decided to get dressed and get ready to call. I noticed that she wasn't talking as much and that she wanted to sleep. I went into the bathroom again with the cell phone and called 911. It took about 5 minutes for the police to arrive and another 5 for the medics to arrive. She was still awake and able to answer questions but she was slowing down considerabley at that point. She was able to get up and walk with help to the gourny in the hallway. As soon as everyone left I called Gabby and she came home. She was wiping something off her scrub pants and said that somebody vomited in the elavator. I knew that Stacey would be ok at that point....

We got to the hospital a few hours later. We knew she was on suicide watch and no visitors. A nurse did come and speak to us and said that she was doing better. She kept vomiting for awhile but her levels were good and they would transfer her to Acute Psych in the morning. At first we thought there would be a 24 hour hold but we later found out it was 72 due to the fact that she expressed regret at not having succeeded. I talked to her by phone the next day.
July 17th

Stacey called me. She seemed a little down. She said she was lonely in there and that she was dissapointed that they wanted to keep her longer. She said she had been eating and sleeping. She kept saying that she had decided that she didn't want to try to kill herself again. She seemed a little scared and shaken. She asked if I had called her boss. I had. We didn't speak much more. She said she could have visitors though and she gave me the times. I told her I would see her tommorow.

July 18th

Stacey called me several times today requesting underwear pants shirts and during her last call she requested books paper and pens. A nurse told her that she could not have spiral notebooks. I told stacey to ask her if she could have a ballpoint ink pen. She asked and the nurse said No! only felt tip pens. I told Stacey that I would try to find some paper and pens but I wasn't sure we had any here at home. She got mad and snipped to "just forget it!". She didn't like being told that she couldn't have something she wanted and that we didn't have what she could have on hand. She also said that she got some other patient in trouble for threatening to hit her. I saw what was happening at that point. She was trying to fight for dominance in the situation and seeing how far she could push the staff. The smattering of fear I had heard in her the night before had been replaced by the arrogance that I was familiar with. "my way or the highway".

We finally got there around 4ish. It was a very small ward. You could call it cozy sort of like a rest home. All the patients in there were pretty out of it. the wandered around and talked to themselves. This one guy tried to pick up on Gabby. She put him off in a calm way. She works in a psych ward for another hospital and is used to redirecting patients when they get off the track they are supposed to be on. She liked the unit and was thinking she might like to work there. Less stress. She works with hard core psychotics at her place. She liked the fact that the nurses at staceys ward didn't have to watch their backs. It was a calming place. Kind of like a stark hotel but peaceful. Even when they had to disciple an unruley patient it was peaceful. Stacey waved to us when we walked into the day room. Kind of reminded me of a kid waving at mom when she walks into the day care to get them. Not a good sign. This meant Stacey was happy there. And I knew when we finally sat down to talk that it wasn't going to amount to much and it didn't. We first talked about genral stuff. After about 40 minutes of that I decided to stick my foot in the water and see if she had any feeling about what she had done and how it had affected everyone. She said she didn't want to be attacked. And that the dr said.... I knew after this point it would be her running from me to shelter of a dr that wasn't there at the moment. She was not in the mood to discuss the possibility that she had done anything even remotely wrong or hurtful to anyone and that she probably would never reach that point. I finally told her that I wasn't going to come there and see her if all she wanted was for someone to kiss her ass. And that dispite what she believed she did do something very wrong and did hurt people and that my opinion that that would not change. Dinner was served and she looked like a kid on christmas morning as the aid placed the tray in front of her. She gave me a smug look and started to shake up her milk carton. I left. I had found out earlier that one of her drs. would be calling to speak to me. I went home and thought about what I would say to him. Jeez what do you say to a psychiatrist who has the duty to protect and believe his patient and who is trained to see the family of that patient as the instigator of the patients actions. I didn't think that anything I could say would change that dynamic but I was hopeful that if nothing more maybe my words could provide insight for him.

I spoke to pal later on that night. He was on his way to work and was trying to keep it together. He was dissapointed about everything. about how Stacey had behaved and he was mad at himself for not doing more or doing something different. He was doing what he always did. Blaming himself totally. I believe in the 50/50 rule but he doesn't. His feeling is "nobody ever takes blame for what they do so i'll take it for them because someone has to take it". Thats not true but I can't convince him otherwise. Sigh! He went between crying and talking and after awhile I knew it was best to let him go because he was starting to not make much sense. I was assure by someone with him that they would keep an eye on him. I slept a bit and dreamt weird dreams about rain and people running and stuff like that. Stacey called me before mid night but the phone was cut off. I don't know if the staff told her to hang up or if they hung it up for her. If that was the case I'm sure it pissed her off. Boundaries and rules suck when you have never had to live by them before. I'm sure they will let her call during the day. I went back to sleep.

July 19th

I spent this morning crying about stacey crying about my failure at wanting to help people and never doing much of a good job of it. I let the tears flow and felt no relief. I never did. Crying was never soothing to me. Its a release of energy but I don't ever feel relief. It just leaves me feeling disoriented and lonely. And wouldn't you know that's when the dr. called. Dammit! He could tell that I had been crying but I straightened up. I asked him what he wanted to know and in how much detail. I became cold, methodical, clinical. Just like on the 911 call. No hysteronics. That wasn't me. To strangers I was calm. I told him about her behavour during our visit. I fleshed out alittle of her past. He asked me if I thought that this was her first suicide attempt. I said she had never done it while she knew me but that I got the sense that she had done it before in her life. I also said that she seemed happy in the ward. He agreed with a slight hint of uneasiness. Its hard to treat someone who likes being where they are because you can't use the promise of release as a tool to get them to adhere to a treatment plan. If they like it you have to work to make them not like it and that's harder. I told him that it caught me as strange because I assumed most poeple who were with it would not want to be in there. They would question when they could leave. Stacey played basket ball out on the patio. She was at home and staking her bit of turf by turning people in who bothered her. Sigh! I spelled out as quickly as I could how she munipulates people and how she has no respect for anyones emotions and no remorse. He asked me if I was planning on allowing her to come back home. I said I was still trying to decide that but that I probably wouldn't allow it if she didn't start showing some remorse for what she did and taking some accountability for her actions. I told him about her obsession with small children and how it might not be a good idea for her to go back to her work as a private duty per diem nanny. I don't know what he thought of any of it and I don't care. I just hope some of it can be of help. I told him I cared but for my own self preservation I needed to be detached. He agreed. I must have sounded strange to him. Not like the other families he spoke with. My thought is most people are willing to rake THEMSELVES over the coals when something like this happens. As if that will fix everything. Im a realist. Beating up on yourself when you weren't the one who took the pills is senseless. I feel bad for her and her struggles but I don't feel that I should take blame. She hates Pal and his feelings and his spiritual beliefs she should have just left. Suicide attempts are a game people play when they want attention or to hurt someone else. They are not symptomatic of anything other than a need to munipulate others for the purpose of causing them pain. End of point. If she calls today I'll write more. If not I'll write tommorow unless I'm up all night still trying to sort all this out.