The Divas


I talked to Stacey last night for about 3 hours and I can tell that the Lamactal that they put her on was taking affect. She seemed more aware of where she 'really' was talked more about how she felt about people and how she had affected them. I was happy to hear this because I was relieved to see some flicker of remorse but it made me profoundly sad that for her and for alot of people the only way they can behave in a constructive way is with medication. I guess I feel that it's unfair that for the rest of us we have to listen to our hearts and our conscience to guide our behaviour and atitudes but for stacey and for people like her, the only way they seem to be able to comprehend right from wrong, good from bad is with the influence of meds. I'm glad medication exist because I can only imagine how much worse the world would be without it. She wasn't aware last night that the decision had already been made to let her come back here so I was pretty sure that maybe she was saying some of what I wanted to hear in a bid to be let back in. I guess at that point I expected it and maybe I just resigned myself to the fact that a desparate person without much of a conscience will do or say anything to get on the good side of others. Sigh! Either way as a decent person I couldn't just let her go her own way to nothing or no one. Though the temptation was really strong. I feel like a parent who knows their child does not give a damn but I still know that I have to be there to help no matter what. We talked about her feelings about her past and what she thinks led her to that point of attempting suicide. She seemed to be gaining some insight into her motivations but as I said earlier she may have just been 'playing' me to get what she wanted. I became more convinced of that this afternoon when I finally had to call her because she had not called me...

I asked her how she was doing and she said that the doctor told her that we had decided to let her come back. She sounded a bit annoyed with the concept that we would actually have a say in where she went. She was relieved though because if we had said NO she couldn't come back here, they would have kept her there at the hospital until they could find a spot in a group home or other out patient housing. I could tell that the idea of maybe being sent to another place with unfamiliar people and another system of rules was not appealing to her. She was nice but I could tell by her tonality that she was once again smug in the idea that she had 'won' again. This is the main thing that bothers me the most. Her inability to understand that she is not entitled to have everything go her way. I feel resentful that I had to agree to let her back in out of common decencey. I feel like I may be back on the same rollercoater ride again. I have faith that the meds will help but I know that no medication no matter how good can change the content of a persons character. Sigh! I asked her about her plans for employment and she said that she was looking into the free nursing program given by the county. She also said that she would consider going back to work in a call center but that it wasn't her most favorite option. I know that she shouldn't go back to child care because that just allows her to retreat into herself and feeding that obsession with kids is not good for anyone. Besides she pretty much lost all of her clients anyway so I get the feeling that door is closed for good..hopefully. I'm supposed to talk to her again in another half hour or so. I think it's time to broach to subject of what kind of behaviour is expected apon her return tomorrow. I know that she's riding the 'high' of victory and will probably because hostile and combative as soon as I bring it up but I'd rather have her hang up on me and sulk in her own space than have a blow up fact to face which would make the both of us feel trapped and really uncomfortable. Still it makes me uneasy. I hate fighting even if it's justified and I hate being the heavy but what can I do. She can't just walk back in here and have it be business as usual. If that be the case then it will only be a matter of before she attempts to 'kill' herself again and honestly does she really want to be going back in forth between hospitals and the real world? Besides if you try to hurt yourself enough times, they don't let you back out again!