The Last Call From Inside


I talked to stacey one last time last night. She said she was excited about coming home. She got to do her laundry on her own. She felt like that was a little bit of freedom for her. She commented on being able to walk out the door of unit that shes in in order to get to the laundry that was in the adjacent wing. She said it felt weird stepping outside her section. Ya, it must be strange to get out of the bubble. I started to think of the wing as a huge womb. Climate controlled. Food delivered daily. Nurturing when neccessary and no escape except when its time to leave permanently. I think the act of stepping 'outside' kind of brought home the reality that for the last 5 days she's been in a container. A very small container. We as human beings cherish and crave our freedom and the thought of being enclosed is not a pleasant one. Hence the reason why prison is a deterant to crime. She said on a few occassions that it felt like jail. I reminded her that in jail we wouldnt get to talk on the phone as we do and there would be handcuffs and no one would care to listen to your thoughts. But in a way I guess it is a sort of incarceration. Except that its purpose is to protect you from yourself no to protect society from you. We were told to be there by 10am to get her or else they would send her into a hearing to determine whether or not to conserve her ( make her a ward of the state ). Thats pretty hard core but I can understand why. Once you prove that you cant be trusted with your own life, society feels that you might not be able to re-enter it alone and left to your own devices. I had a long talk with everyone here and especially gabby who has had a problem with expressing herself with people. Shes not very good at it. I told her she needs to work on her soft skills and maybe try to be a bit more warm and a little less intimidating. Thats going to be easier said than done. She has always been a bit aloof and that has always been mistaken as a sign of dislike. That perception needs to change or else more walls will be built and it will be so much harder for everyone including stacey. I have come to terms for the most part with the actuality that no one no matter how nice and loving and helpful may ever reach stacey. I compare her to someone who has fallen off a mountain and just keeps falling. We may not be able to cath her. But its better to have tried again, even if it means failure, than to just threw our hands up in the air and say 'fuck it'. Stacey is really into speaking about spirituality. I think we will try to find some sort of non-denominational religious setting to get involved in so that she can start to try to nurture that part of herself. Maybe once that door is open she will be more keen on letting her guard down when it comes to other things. Besides, she has never known the comfort of spiritual enlightment. This may give her something for later if and she is ever faced with another urge to harm herself. I don't know how often I will be able to write after tonight. I don't want her to know that I'm keeping this blog just yet so my post may be widely spaced. I will try to find time to update as much as I'm able. Anyone who reads this and wants to comment feel free to do so. Any insights will be helpful. Wish Me Luck!